drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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