first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
