There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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