Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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