i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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