my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
