girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
