I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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