So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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