i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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