if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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