My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
