I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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