I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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