I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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