well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
