tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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