They should really pass out barf bags in church
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
