Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
