Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
