Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
and she was petting her beer can
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
