Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Every concussion has its silver lining
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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