The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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