literally had 100 drinks last night.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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