oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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