I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
