I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
