fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
