I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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