I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
