alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
