Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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