omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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