so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
