I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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