I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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