I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
