Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
my being single is dangerous.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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