Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
