It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
