I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
