I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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