They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
