I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
