I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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