U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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