I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
