like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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