i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
