The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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