i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
