If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
