i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
