I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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