Moan for me like Helen Keller
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
