It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
