Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
