I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
