in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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