So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize